So Sunday night Britton and I took a candle and walked through the old Lynn Grove Cemetery in East Greeley. It’s such a cool, creepy cemetery with some of Greeley’s first residents buried there. We had a “discussion” with Dad and it felt good to honor his memory in that way. We still want to go to Meeker and see where his body is resting, but for now, I feel like just going to any cemetery helps.

I also found something I wrote right after Dad died. I was going to read it at his memorial service, but I just couldn’t stop crying and I thought it would be too long, so I will share it with all of you now instead.

Me and Dad when I was little

Dad taught me a lot of things in my time with him, many of which I’ve incorporated into my own life.

He taught me to be a little ornery. With this orneriness he also taught me to question everything. He wrote a letter to me once and said “Do not let powerful people change you -change them!” And so I try.

He was always my biggest cheerleader and fan. He always encouraged me to continue with whatever it was that I was doing -to go bigger and farther than I thought I could. He was never jealous or secretly wished I would fail. He saw my true potential, and cheered me to it. This is how we need to treat others. Don’t be afraid of others’ success, but rather cheer them to it. Help them reach their highest potential.

He was never afraid of taking on a new project or new dream. He remodeled a totally run-down school house in Nunn at age 42 and finished law school at 50. You can always begin again. You can always reach for your dreams. He would say, “Go for it!” And he would mean it.

On a family vacation in Yellowstone

Dad also said I should be careful of the battles I take on and the toll they take on you. Sometimes you should just let the small stuff (and that’s most of the stuff) go. That forgiving is much better for the soul than holding anger and resentment. It will free you.

Dad believed family was sacred. These are the ties that will stay with you forever. He loved all of us in his family so strongly because he had lost his own nuclear family at such a young age. Remember to love even when it is hard. Stick together. Dad was both a grizzly bear and a teddy bear. If someone tried to hurt anyone he loved, they would see a side of Dad you didn’t want to wake up. But if they loved us, he loved them like family. And he loved a lot.

He could never see the sense in hurting others. Whether it was emotionally or physically or even animals. He knew the jabs he could take, and had taken them at some point in his life. He taught me that most of the time, it wasn’t worth it.

He loved animals. He couldn’t stand to see an animal in pain or suffering. He loved all of our dogs, cats, birds and other random animals we had in our house growing up. They were part of the family. He even saved spiders instead of killing them.

He was the hardest working guy I knew (although Britton is coming close!). And this was both physically as well as mentally. Dad did not have the disconnect that most people do of only using the part above your shoulders as if we were a detached brain that our body just transported. As a lawyer he drove around in a Mercedes, but in the trunk was lots of dirt, sprinkler parts and a shovel. He was not afraid of manual labor. Indeed, I think working physically helps you mentally as well. There is a certain joy in seeing something appear from the work of your body.

Silly guy

He taught me that it is ok to be weird. To be silly and laugh more than you gripe. You can be a nerd every now and then. He would put all sorts of things on his head or dance around just to hear us giggle. He always had a sly look in his eye. Styles and fashions change so fast anyway; you’ll end up being weird at some point whether you try or not. The worst case scenario when you are weird is people will just laugh at you. And laughing is good!

Dad also taught me these things:

Give bear hugs, like you never want to let go.

Rassle your kids.

Be honest. In the long run, this is the best course. In the short-term sometimes it will be difficult, but in the long run you will be more true to yourself.

Get into a little trouble every now and then. Play hookie. Play pranks. Surprise people! This will liven up your life and theirs. Life is not just about work and solemnity. Have a little fun!

Be welcoming to strangers. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Invite them in. Learn their stories. Everyone has a story and everyone is struggling with something. Give them a chance. Be kinder than you might need to be.

Be loyal. Value those who have valued you. Your strongest relationships are built on reciprocity. Give back.

Don’t ever be afraid of the power of a little (or a lot!) of ice cream in making your day a bit brighter.

Always tell your family and friends you love them and that they mean a lot to you. You never know when you, or they, will no longer be there. Dad did this by saying he loved me and kissing me goodbye every single morning when I grew up.

Don’t take your loved ones for granted and don’t use them up. Most people want to help, but relationships are two-way streets. You give and they give. Don’t rely on them to the point of resentment, but give thanks and help them right back.

Don’t be too hard on the ones we love. We have the ability to hurt the ones we love the most. Don’t push the buttons that could so easily hurt them when you are in moments of anger. Hold these back.

Do the right thing, even when it is the harder choice or against public opinion. Everyone knows the right thing in his or her own heart. That doesn’t mean it is the easy thing to do, however. Strive to do the best as often as you can.

Whatever it is you do, do it all the way. If you’re going to be a scientist, be the best darn scientist. If you’re going to be a bank robber, be the best one. If you commit to something, don’t do it halfway. That’s what Dad would say.

This picture cracks me up- especially my brother

And most important he would say:

Be kind.
Be kind to strangers.
Be kind to friends.
Be kind to animals.
Be kind to family.
Be kind even to those who aren’t kind to you.
Just be kind.

Or in his own words from a short diary he left: “Life must have purpose and that purpose should be examined early in a person’s life. This purpose should be re-examined regularly. As a person participates in society that person should give back. The random act of kindness, without expectation of reward, will change your perspective on living your life.”

These are just a few of the things I have learned from my Dad. I hope you all can take some of his wisdom and use it in your lives as I try to every day. I miss you and love you Dad. Thank you for being a wonderful father, friend and philosopher. In me, and those you’ve touched with your words and actions, you will never die.

Orchids and sunsets- some favorite blog topics

Which makes it all the more important that we now have Puerto Rico in our pockets ready to go. It’s something that is completely different from our usual routine. It is uncomfortable. We don’t know what to expect. We are excited. It is definitely not just rinse and repeat- at least not yet.

Of course coming home from Puerto Rico to our “normal” here in Greeley is nice. I love my warm showers with strong water pressure and the cool air when I walk out of the bathroom. I love how courteous Colorado drivers are. I love how long and straight and virtually traffic-less our roads are. I love how quiet it can be. I love the pastel more subtle beauty here. Especially in the summer when everything wakes up to life for a few months. I love speaking English and knowing exactly the nuance and slang of what someone else says to me. I even (sometimes) love our winter nights curled on the couch with our fireplace on watching a movie with a cup of hot cocoa or chili in my hands. The numbing comfort and sterility of it all…

But BAM! I want to experience life! And sometimes to really awaken to that, sometimes you have to do the exact opposite of what you are used to. You have to get a little dirty. You have to be a little uncomfortable at first. So I want to see what it’s like to take cool showers and walk into warm air! I want to see what it’s like to drive however you damn well please as if you were walking around a crowded mall. I want to hear the bugs and frogs and birds who are happy to be living outside year round. I want to see in-your-face, loud colors. All year round! I want to become so fluent at Spanish again that I dream in it. That I learn the Puerto Rican slang. I want to know what it’s like to never be cold.

I think it’s important that people get out there and try. Yah, you might fail. You might initially regret it. You might feel scared, insecure or not confident. But I think dreaming big (or even little) is part of what life is all about. Once you have your basic needs met -like food, water, shelter, love and companionship- I think dreams are just as important. They keep you going; they keep you striving to get better. If a tree didn’t seek new heights, was it a tree? And even if we fall, even in failure we learn! Maybe even more so! We learn every step of the way.

Sometimes I think my ideas and dreams are too big for my reality. Like when you are so hungry at an all-you-can-eat place that you fill your plate to the brim only to realize your stomach is just not big enough to hold it all. Britton and I are a good complement to each other in that way. Sometimes he is the brakes to my otherwise overfull plate of crazy “Lucy you have some ‘splainin to do” half cooked ideas, and other times he’s all in with me -as hungry for life as ever. He helps me moderate our risks, and I help him to be less afraid.

In the end, this is all a journey to writing our own story. The conflicts in the story are what makes it interesting! We have to remember that as we go along. It is never so bad that we can’t start again. Even in losing my dad I think I have gained a better understanding of this. Death is there to teach us how to live! To help us remember we are only in this form for so long. So if you feel a calling to something -to your dreams- however weird they are- go for it! It may change or evolve over time, but that’s just as well in a good story.

And of course we do need a little of the normalcy to balance us out just as I need Britton and he needs me.  And that is what these calm Colorado days are all about. Just remember to get a little dirty every now and then before you go back to rinse and repeat.

This is where one decision or choice or desire impacts another and so on and so forth down the line like a ripple. It’s where Karma and Coincidence meet. Much of these we can’t see too far off in the distance, but we might understand them to be occuring even if we can’t see them. Like the idea of six degrees of separation, or that Kevin Bacon game, or It’s a Wonderful Life -how many people could we track back to us? How many people and things have we impacted? What is our butterfly effect?

Britton and I often talk about the fact that on his and my Dad’s shared birthday when we were just little kids, we were probably in the same restaurant at the same time. Who knows why, but usually you are exactly where you need to be, right now.

Lately, Britton and I have been having all sorts of good signs coming our way. The rental being rented the same day -practically the same moment- it was vacated. The application being turned in just as we were walking out the door to walk Schnoodle. (We even joked that we should go on a walk just to have it happen sooner. ) The citrus trees arriving just as we were about to call the plant company to make sure they’d get there. (I’ll have to write about these new trees!)  That we have managed to arrange JUST enough money to cover buying the place in Rincon. That we have been having the most awesome vivid dreams of living in Puerto Rico. That we have had some advertising interest on our websites. That we have already had about three people who want to rent the place in Rincon from us! That we stumbled upon a really inexpensive management company for our properties here in Colorado.

The more credence we give to these “signs”, the more we seem to receive. We even get signs when we are doing the wrong thing. For example: We had to make some minor repairs in the walls of the rental after the previous tenants gouged them moving the couch out. We patched it and painted it. The color wasn’t quite right. Being perfectionists, we tried to get a closer color. Still not right. Then we found a paint chip for the hardware store to try and match. The person behind the counter had us wait around for like 20 minutes then disappeared. Someone else finally came to help, but the computer gave an error that it couldn’t read it. He tried about 5 more times. We thought, well we could go to the next store and try again. Just at that moment, the paint clerk accidently drops the paint chip into a dark void beneath the counter, never to be seen again. Britton then exclamed “Okay, universe, we got the message. We don’t need to worry about the paint.” 

I think since we are nearing our goal and after working so hard and struggling to get here, we are finally given some slack. Maybe it’s my dad watching out for us. Maybe we’re just being silly and reading into things that aren’t there. But I don’t think it hurts to hope and feel the magic. We never know what’s going on just under the surface. Who knows what might be in the works for us, if we just let it and ask for it. So, we thank you, our Lucky Stars, Dad, Karma, Determination, Serendipity and anything else we don’t quite fully understand! And we thank all the people whose lives have intersected with ours for the better good. We do appreciate it and look forward to more in the future unknown.

- Zombies are sometimes harder to kill and can be reoccurring.
- Bugs aren’t serious but can be annoying and they grow in numbers.

Cassie and I use ‘bugs’ and ‘zombies’ as metaphors for errands or things that pop up from time to time that need attention. Like for instance my car needs work, and we are trying to find a renter. We also have minor things that get pushed to the background when we focus on these other things. Like in the zombie movies, there are usually a few that need tending too first -the ones about to bite you and eat your brains- and there are all the others that you can see in the distance lurching at you. Yes, and if you let them get to you, you will become one!

I was thinking about it and to me it seems that we seek these things out. My brain(s!) at least tends to find things that need fixing. The problem with this is that something ALWAYS needs to be fixed. I complain about it, but I constantly search these things out and would be bored if I didn’t have them. Kind of a catch 22. In fact that’s all I do at work everyday, kill bugs! (system/application admistration..computer bugs)

There is a Pearl Jam video at the bottom of the post. I remember it from when I was growing up. The lyrics are pretty spot on:

I got bugs
I got bugs in my room
Bugs in my bed
Bugs in my ears
Their eggs in my head
Bugs in my pockets
Bugs in my shoes
Bugs in the way I feel about you

It’s funny but I distinctly remember identifying with this song when I was 18 years old. So this whole ‘bugs’ thing isn’t new to my world. I just have more of them and have become better at killing them so the ones I complain about tend to be bigger.

Bugs on my window
Trying to get in
They don’t go nowhere
Waiting, waiting…
Bugs on my ceiling
Crowded the floor
Standing, sitting, kneeling…
A few block the door

No matter what, you can’t get away from them. They are literally everywhere! The paint isn’t right, the wood needs sanded, the hedge needs trimmed, the car needs vacuumed, the pets need fed and on and on and on.

And now the questions:
Do I kill them?
Become their friend?
Do I eat them?
Raw or well done?
Do I trick them?
I don’t think they’re that dumb
Do I join them?
Looks like that’s the one

I kill quite a few of them but there are some you just have to be at peace with. Things you can’t really do anything about. The funny part of this video is that he totally screws it up at the start. Bugs….

Just one of many bags of old ripped clothes

Each weekend we pick an area or two to focus on. And we’re almost done. We’ve gone through the spare bedroom upstairs. We’ve gone through our bathrooms’ (all three) shelves and cabinets (and threw out a huge pile of old nail polishes and expired vitamins!).  We went through the coat closet and under the kitchen sink. We’ve sorted through the kitchen drawers (a couple of times, because things seem to just get drawn there). We’ve gone through all the Christmas stuff in the basement and under the stairs. We cleaned out the garage. Under the bed. In the cars. It’s amazing how much junk accumulates and all the dust and grime that settles there.

These shoes have got to go!

We’ve thrown out about 8 black hefty bags of stuff that was just pushed to the corners in our house. Stuff that used to be a part of our lives, but now we’ve grown out of so it needs to be thrown out. Other stuff  will be either sold on Craigslist, Ebay or at a garage sale or given to a thrift store.  The standard for keeping something is pretty high. We have to use it fairly often. We have to like it. It has to be in good shape. Or it has to have very high sentimentality. Basically, there has to be a real purpose to it. Otherwise, out!

Still have a ways to go, but at least we can see the floor unlike before!

I have a theory that everything that we do or that happens to us externally is a reflection of our inner world for better or for worse. Really, everything around us is a reflection of us. We created this! So I think that not only are we purging out our junk but also some of the drama in our lives. The drama that builds up in the corners of our minds. Those certain weird vibes that reside in certain people and things. The drama that serves no real purpose but for some odd reason we have a hard time letting go.

All this junk can leave our house, and also our mind.  We will see much more clearly and feel so much better. To me, I have high standards for my home. It’s not that it is the cleanest in the world, but it’s also not a mess. It has a lot of open space for possibilities to come in. But I also want to be selective of what comes into my life. I want to make sure it creates the best chance for success. Your home could be seen as a reflection of your mind. Is it cluttered or neat? Creative or boring? A sanctuary of positivity or a dark den of despair? It’s up to you to create boundaries and kick out the junk when it no longer serves its purpose. Control of your mind…and sometimes even your home can be tough, but you have to stick to your rules and periodically purge. And when all’s said and done, it feels good to get it out!

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

With my dad, everything seems to have changed. I just want to know what happened to him. Where he is now. What is going on. How can someone be here with us in this plane of existence and then suddening is not?! And if that is it -we exist and then we don’t-, then what’s the purpose? What’s the purpose of all of this in the first place? There is so much life all across the planet -lifetransplanet if you will but no one truly understands it.

It’s like we (kind of) understand the biological processes and the chemicals and minerals and all sorts of things, but we don’t understand what that spark is in the beginning or that flame that we carry with us until we die. That same spark that must be in seeds to germinate into trees and plants, frogs, mosquitos, Schnoodle. It’s why we eat food- that spark that sustains our flame. And it’s that same spark that makes us create something out of the “thought realm” like building or remodeling a house, writing a book (or blog!), or creating a data file.

Because what are thoughts? Are they simply the chemical results of our brains’ activity? And if so, why would this thinking create so much of what we see as reality in this world? Every building we see, every car on the road, every THING we have started at some point as a thought-a spark of creativity.

And then, what are memories? Mind travel machines? Why do we yearn to learn so much? Why is so much of our lives spent trying to figure stuff out? To remember so we don’t have to repeat mistakes? To have some connection to those who no longer exist?

And so, if only to confuse us more, then what are dreams? Could our sleeping world be parralelled with the death world as many suppose? Are dreams just there to help us sort out our days and process the things we didn’t have time to process while awake (or alive)? What is our subconscious? We understand so little about our conscious life, but our subconscious? We know even less.

I’ve been having dreams almost every night where my dad either hasn’t died yet or has come back and everyone says “you gave us a big scare” and he just chuckles as he would. I had another dream where we were waiting in the hospital but it was more like an airport -a soul port- and he was a departure (if you think about a hospital, it is kind of like that -people dying are departing and people being born are arriving at the same centralized place).

I didn’t want him to go wherever he was going. I wanted him to stay with me. So we could just hang out and plan the future. So we could talk about things like this -the philosophy of what life and death are without actually having to experience it deep within my being. In my dream when he saw me start to cry, he also began to cry to see me so sad. And I awoke from the dream shaking and crying in “actuality”.

So what is going on here? Why is it that we just walk around our lives completely oblivious to the most important thing: that we only have so long in this form. We do so many things in our lives that are meaningless, or worse: mean! And I suppose we are lucky that we don’t have to think about death all the time or our lives would be weighed down and so heavy we wouldn’t even want to get out there and make something of it. But we have the perfect balance (usually): we understand the impermanence of our situation, and yet we have enough time to create the world we want to see -even if it is just in our home and backyard. And in the process we can change society as a whole for the better. And granted, that is subjective, but I think most people could agree that we want peace, love, joy and cooperation. We want to be treated as good people with something to contribute.

I think it starts with that realization, and it ends when you have fufilled some sort of purpose (or get taken out of the game too early). And it should not just be a realization of ourselves, but of others. Of treating others with respect as the beings that they are on this planet whether animal, plant or human. It is about being kind and also about forgiving.

But in the end, I really don’t know. This matter of life and death is just as mysterious as ever. It’s a puzzle that we’ve been asking throughout the ages over and over again: why am I here? …And where do we go after? Where are you, Dad?

I keep hearing this song lately and feel compelled to listen carefully to it

Or

If you are lucky like me, when you just click it Windows Media Player will stream and play it.  It is too large for youtube otherwise we would have posted it there.

Rassling the kids

Family Photo