Life Transplanet

Usually when we hear that expression we think it must be urgent, it’s an emergency. But really everything we do is a matter of life and death one way or another. I’ve been thinking of the impermanence of our existence (or the seeming permanence of death) and it overwhelms me. I’ve never really thought too much about death before. It just seemed like it was supposed to occur occassionally and so it did. And the people and pets I’d lost to it before my dad had felt like they were going on a long vacation or moving away. They were acquaintances or even with my grandpa, I never knew him that well. I wasn’t as deeply connected as I was with my dad. And so the loss seems so huge.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

With my dad, everything seems to have changed. I just want to know what happened to him. Where he is now. What is going on. How can someone be here with us in this plane of existence and then suddening is not?! And if that is it -we exist and then we don’t-, then what’s the purpose? What’s the purpose of all of this in the first place? There is so much life all across the planet -lifetransplanet if you will but no one truly understands it.

It’s like we (kind of) understand the biological processes and the chemicals and minerals and all sorts of things, but we don’t understand what that spark is in the beginning or that flame that we carry with us until we die. That same spark that must be in seeds to germinate into trees and plants, frogs, mosquitos, Schnoodle. It’s why we eat food- that spark that sustains our flame. And it’s that same spark that makes us create something out of the “thought realm” like building or remodeling a house, writing a book (or blog!), or creating a data file.

Because what are thoughts? Are they simply the chemical results of our brains’ activity? And if so, why would this thinking create so much of what we see as reality in this world? Every building we see, every car on the road, every THING we have started at some point as a thought-a spark of creativity.

And then, what are memories? Mind travel machines? Why do we yearn to learn so much? Why is so much of our lives spent trying to figure stuff out? To remember so we don’t have to repeat mistakes? To have some connection to those who no longer exist?

And so, if only to confuse us more, then what are dreams? Could our sleeping world be parralelled with the death world as many suppose? Are dreams just there to help us sort out our days and process the things we didn’t have time to process while awake (or alive)? What is our subconscious? We understand so little about our conscious life, but our subconscious? We know even less.

I’ve been having dreams almost every night where my dad either hasn’t died yet or has come back and everyone says “you gave us a big scare” and he just chuckles as he would. I had another dream where we were waiting in the hospital but it was more like an airport -a soul port- and he was a departure (if you think about a hospital, it is kind of like that -people dying are departing and people being born are arriving at the same centralized place).

I didn’t want him to go wherever he was going. I wanted him to stay with me. So we could just hang out and plan the future. So we could talk about things like this -the philosophy of what life and death are without actually having to experience it deep within my being. In my dream when he saw me start to cry, he also began to cry to see me so sad. And I awoke from the dream shaking and crying in “actuality”.

So what is going on here? Why is it that we just walk around our lives completely oblivious to the most important thing: that we only have so long in this form. We do so many things in our lives that are meaningless, or worse: mean! And I suppose we are lucky that we don’t have to think about death all the time or our lives would be weighed down and so heavy we wouldn’t even want to get out there and make something of it. But we have the perfect balance (usually): we understand the impermanence of our situation, and yet we have enough time to create the world we want to see -even if it is just in our home and backyard. And in the process we can change society as a whole for the better. And granted, that is subjective, but I think most people could agree that we want peace, love, joy and cooperation. We want to be treated as good people with something to contribute.

I think it starts with that realization, and it ends when you have fufilled some sort of purpose (or get taken out of the game too early). And it should not just be a realization of ourselves, but of others. Of treating others with respect as the beings that they are on this planet whether animal, plant or human. It is about being kind and also about forgiving.

But in the end, I really don’t know. This matter of life and death is just as mysterious as ever. It’s a puzzle that we’ve been asking throughout the ages over and over again: why am I here? …And where do we go after? Where are you, Dad?

I keep hearing this song lately and feel compelled to listen carefully to it

http://www.lifetransplanet.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/memorial_web.wmv
Right click and ‘save as’ to download.  38MB

Or

If you are lucky like me, when you just click it Windows Media Player will stream and play it.  It is too large for youtube otherwise we would have posted it there.

Rassling the kids

Family Photo

Today Dad will be buried in Meeker, Colorado. Mom is riding up with the funeral home director and Dad’s body -a five hour trek there and five hours back. It is hard to think that he will be that far away from us. But I have to remember that is just his body and he wanted it to be with his family there. He is still here with us in many, many ways. But it has been so hard. Guilt and regrets and memories and such a tremendous sense of loss just wracks my mind sometimes. I still can’t believe it was hardly a week ago he was winning at craps right here in my house!

The hearse outside my parents’ (mom’s) house

When I am busy planning his memorial, when I am busy DOING something it is not so bad, but when I stop to rest for a moment it all floods me. Especially at night, right before bed. I didn’t think my body could make so many tears. It’s ridiculous. Certainly, I’ve been to other funerals over the course of my life, but never, never have I felt such a deep connection and loss. I feel like part of me died along with Dad.  Stupid tears, here they come again.

And finding that letter Dad had written to me when I graduated high school. How he and mom were “button-popping proud” and how I shouldn’t let powerful people change me, that I should change them! That was Dad, and I am having a hard time picturing my life without him there to talk to. It is all too much. It is such a void. Really, tears?! Come on.

So anyway, today he will be buried. We saw him one last time at a final private viewing yesterday. He looked so much better than when I watched him struggle for his last breath. He was dressed in his red shirt, blue jeans and boots, like so many pictures we have of him, except as if he were sleeping. He looked good. Hardly a wrinkle or even grey hair. But he also looked like a wax figure. A cold wax figure. But I’m glad I saw him -or his mortal coil anyway- one last time.

We have a nice service planned for Saturday. My friend Marjorie made this invitation, if you would like to come. We are hoping it will be a celebration of his life more than a mourning of his death. But I know it will be a little of both. We warned UNC that we will be needing extra Kleenex, for those darn tears.

(Click to enlarge image.)

It’s pretty incredible, this chance we have. This chance we have called life. We can decide many things and choose many paths. It’s like those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books I used to read as a kid only with virtually infinite options that only expand and collapse depending on the door you decide to open. Well, my dad had the kind of life that is more like “lives”. He had so many incarnations. He was a farmer, construction worker, mayor, softball pitcher and coach, small business owner, lawyer, father, husband,brother, son, and so much more. Well, let’s let him tell you. He wrote his own obituary and you all are the first to see it.

1/23/1948 – 8/14/2010
Age: 62

Residence: Greeley

I was born in Meeker, Colorado on January 23, 1948 to Herbert Lester Davis and Iris Florane Lovelace. My family and I lived in a log cabin on my grand-dad’s homestead for a little over three years. In my third year, my brother Edwin L. Davis was born and we moved to Portland, Oregon because Dad had been called up for the Korean Conflict.

We lived in Portland, Oregon for six years until we moved back to Colorado when I was about nine years old. I graduated from Meeker High School in 1966. Later that year, I joined the Army Security Agency as an analyst. I left the Army in 1969 and worked in farming and construction until the early 1970’s when I moved to Greeley, Colorado.

In Greeley I started and ran a successful lawn care company called Davis Lawn Care for over 20 years. In 1976 I met the love of my life, Charlotte G. LeBlanc. I finally persuaded her to marry me on July 4, 1978. All of the really great things in my life have come from Char including my two children. Cassandra Iris (Cassie) was born on July 18, 1980 and Justin Tyler on September 8, 1985. Our family moved to Nunn, Colorado in 1991 where we renovated and lived in the old school house there until 2007.

I finally graduated from the University of Northern Colorado in 1995. In 1998 I graduated from the University of Wyoming: College of Law; the same year Cassie graduated from Highland High School and Char received her Master’s Degree from UNC.

Much to my enormous happiness, Cassie married Britton L. Kauffman on August 6, 2005.

I practiced law in Weld County and was a member of the Weld County Bar Association until I became too ill to continue my practice in 2008. One of my greatest honors in life was to be a member of that Bar Association and to practice law in Colorado. In 2004 I was presented with the A. Andrew Borg Award for my volunteer Pro Bono services in support of Weld County Legal Services.

I was preceded in death by my mother, father and brother. I am survived by my wife, children, half brother, Bill Davis, niece, Madison Davis, mother-in-law, Grace LeBlanc and many friends.

I also leave an open chair in my monthly poker game with some of my best friends and the best card players in Greeley.

-JFD

John F. (Jack) Davis passed away on Saturday morning, August 14, 2010 in Greeley after a long battle with cancer under care by Hospice. Memorial Services will be held on Saturday, August 21^st at UNC’s University Center Columbine Suites at 2pm. Condolences may be sent to: http://www.stoddardsunset.com. Memorial donations may be made to Hospice and Palliative Care of Northern Colorado, Inc.

Update***Today, August 18, the  Greeley Tribune published his obituary***

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July and Happy Anniversary to my parents!

Sparklers were the extent of our fire works

Speaking of anniversaries, I was just reviewing some of the old posts from this blog and realized that we just passed another anniversary of blogging! Our very first post was on June 28, 2008! It’s funny reading it now, because I remember that I had no idea what hosting and writing a blog would be like, let alone all the technical aspects of it (thanks to Britton for working most of those out…). The content of the post is basic and used mainly as a test, but it still reflects many of the summer posts here we’ve written about life in Greeley -messing around in the greenhouse, spending time outside, enjoying the hot weather.

However, we had no idea what would happen between then and now. I figured we would be living in PR by now, but a few twists and turns in life and here we still are. And actually we have had some great opportunities pop up that we just couldn’t turn down. The cost benefit analysis of some of the investment and work opportunities here outweighed our immediate and strong desire to move. And while the date has been pushed out and out, we are getting more and more ready to be able to move without too much of a worry once we arrive. These last two years have been creating a great launching pad for us whereby we might not even HAVE to work in the traditional sense of wages for hours of our life.

It looks like my job will be saved and I will continue working past August 1 which is overall definitely good news in the sense that losing a job is always really stressful and it will give us more time to save money and invest. On the other hand, it also keeps us here. Britton says we have to know when to get out. Kind of like in poker -know when to hold them, fold them or walk away.

We are definitely emotionally and mentally ready, but financially I think we want to be prepared for the worst -no job, no income generated there, not understanding fully the system and also dealing with isolation away from our family and friends support network.

We have another investment in the works right now, and when it goes through I’ll blog a little more about it. Another step. That’s all you can do, just keep moving forward. Having goals (like for us moving to Puerto Rico) helps you to know which way to go, but you just have to keep moving forward.