Life Transplanet

The weather has had a pretty big change here.  As I say that Puerto Rico just experienced Irene!  So I suppose change is all relative.

Once a year Cassie and I like to camp out in our backyard in a tent that was given to us as a wedding gift.  I spent quite a bit of time camping up in the mountains when I was growing up.  While it was fun, it’s one of those things that I have done quite a bit so it isn’t something that I feel I need to do.  Sleeping outside under the stars with Cassie is a lot of fun and we don’t have to drive, pack food, pack clothes and figure out all the details involved with a ‘camping trip’.

Our Tent

I used to also camp out in my backyard as a kid and across the street at my friend Matt’s house.  It was a lot of fun and I am sure parents enjoy it because your sleepover (loud kids) is outdoors!

We figured we had better get our once a year backyard camp out done because we have entered into the Fall season (maybe not officially, but you can feel it).  The weather is cooler, the veggies are ripe and the growing season is slowly coming to an end.  We’ve been getting more food from our garden lately too.

Fruit, Vegetables and Eggs

With the change in season we are starting to think about Puerto Rico too!  I hope there isn’t too much damage to the property, but if there is we can just fix and mend like we usually do!  We really enjoy our summer here in Colorado, but the winter is so long it will be nice to have a place to go where we can plant, pick garden and camp out!

I hope all our friends are doing well in PR after Irene.  The few Facebook posts we’ve seen indicate it wasn’t too bad and I hope that is the case.  I’d actually like to be down there for a tropical storm / hurricane at some point.  Just for the experience of it.  Not a major one of course!

It’s been a year since my dad died. It’s hard to believe sometimes that it has been that long! Because he’s buried in Meeker there is not a designated place close enough for us to go and feel that special bond that you feel in a cemetery with your loved one. Not that “he” is really here any more, but just a way to feel that connection more strongly.

So Sunday night Britton and I took a candle and walked through the old Lynn Grove Cemetery in East Greeley. It’s such a cool, creepy cemetery with some of Greeley’s first residents buried there. We had a “discussion” with Dad and it felt good to honor his memory in that way. We still want to go to Meeker and see where his body is resting, but for now, I feel like just going to any cemetery helps.

I also found something I wrote right after Dad died. I was going to read it at his memorial service, but I just couldn’t stop crying and I thought it would be too long, so I will share it with all of you now instead.

Me and Dad when I was little

Dad taught me a lot of things in my time with him, many of which I’ve incorporated into my own life.

He taught me to be a little ornery. With this orneriness he also taught me to question everything. He wrote a letter to me once and said “Do not let powerful people change you -change them!” And so I try.

He was always my biggest cheerleader and fan. He always encouraged me to continue with whatever it was that I was doing -to go bigger and farther than I thought I could. He was never jealous or secretly wished I would fail. He saw my true potential, and cheered me to it. This is how we need to treat others. Don’t be afraid of others’ success, but rather cheer them to it. Help them reach their highest potential.

He was never afraid of taking on a new project or new dream. He remodeled a totally run-down school house in Nunn at age 42 and finished law school at 50. You can always begin again. You can always reach for your dreams. He would say, “Go for it!” And he would mean it.

On a family vacation in Yellowstone

Dad also said I should be careful of the battles I take on and the toll they take on you. Sometimes you should just let the small stuff (and that’s most of the stuff) go. That forgiving is much better for the soul than holding anger and resentment. It will free you.

Dad believed family was sacred. These are the ties that will stay with you forever. He loved all of us in his family so strongly because he had lost his own nuclear family at such a young age. Remember to love even when it is hard. Stick together. Dad was both a grizzly bear and a teddy bear. If someone tried to hurt anyone he loved, they would see a side of Dad you didn’t want to wake up. But if they loved us, he loved them like family. And he loved a lot.

He could never see the sense in hurting others. Whether it was emotionally or physically or even animals. He knew the jabs he could take, and had taken them at some point in his life. He taught me that most of the time, it wasn’t worth it.

He loved animals. He couldn’t stand to see an animal in pain or suffering. He loved all of our dogs, cats, birds and other random animals we had in our house growing up. They were part of the family. He even saved spiders instead of killing them.

He was the hardest working guy I knew (although Britton is coming close!). And this was both physically as well as mentally. Dad did not have the disconnect that most people do of only using the part above your shoulders as if we were a detached brain that our body just transported. As a lawyer he drove around in a Mercedes, but in the trunk was lots of dirt, sprinkler parts and a shovel. He was not afraid of manual labor. Indeed, I think working physically helps you mentally as well. There is a certain joy in seeing something appear from the work of your body.

Silly guy

He taught me that it is ok to be weird. To be silly and laugh more than you gripe. You can be a nerd every now and then. He would put all sorts of things on his head or dance around just to hear us giggle. He always had a sly look in his eye. Styles and fashions change so fast anyway; you’ll end up being weird at some point whether you try or not. The worst case scenario when you are weird is people will just laugh at you. And laughing is good!

Dad also taught me these things:

Give bear hugs, like you never want to let go.

Rassle your kids.

Be honest. In the long run, this is the best course. In the short-term sometimes it will be difficult, but in the long run you will be more true to yourself.

Get into a little trouble every now and then. Play hookie. Play pranks. Surprise people! This will liven up your life and theirs. Life is not just about work and solemnity. Have a little fun!

Be welcoming to strangers. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Invite them in. Learn their stories. Everyone has a story and everyone is struggling with something. Give them a chance. Be kinder than you might need to be.

Be loyal. Value those who have valued you. Your strongest relationships are built on reciprocity. Give back.

Don’t ever be afraid of the power of a little (or a lot!) of ice cream in making your day a bit brighter.

Always tell your family and friends you love them and that they mean a lot to you. You never know when you, or they, will no longer be there. Dad did this by saying he loved me and kissing me goodbye every single morning when I grew up.

Don’t take your loved ones for granted and don’t use them up. Most people want to help, but relationships are two-way streets. You give and they give. Don’t rely on them to the point of resentment, but give thanks and help them right back.

Don’t be too hard on the ones we love. We have the ability to hurt the ones we love the most. Don’t push the buttons that could so easily hurt them when you are in moments of anger. Hold these back.

Do the right thing, even when it is the harder choice or against public opinion. Everyone knows the right thing in his or her own heart. That doesn’t mean it is the easy thing to do, however. Strive to do the best as often as you can.

Whatever it is you do, do it all the way. If you’re going to be a scientist, be the best darn scientist. If you’re going to be a bank robber, be the best one. If you commit to something, don’t do it halfway. That’s what Dad would say.

This picture cracks me up- especially my brother

And most important he would say:

Be kind.
Be kind to strangers.
Be kind to friends.
Be kind to animals.
Be kind to family.
Be kind even to those who aren’t kind to you.
Just be kind.

Or in his own words from a short diary he left: “Life must have purpose and that purpose should be examined early in a person’s life. This purpose should be re-examined regularly. As a person participates in society that person should give back. The random act of kindness, without expectation of reward, will change your perspective on living your life.”

These are just a few of the things I have learned from my Dad. I hope you all can take some of his wisdom and use it in your lives as I try to every day. I miss you and love you Dad. Thank you for being a wonderful father, friend and philosopher. In me, and those you’ve touched with your words and actions, you will never die.

Yep, somewhere between the abandoned rental, the crazy tenants that we released from the contract, scheduling showings, 2x 40+ hours of work including evenings and  weekends, an on-call shift, a broken car, a sick Schnoodle, a hungry cat eating canned tuna, six growing chickens who won’t sleep in the same coop, three wasps nests (and one super swollen stung ear), an overgrown yard and weed infested garden, a fridge devoid of food and laundry two weeks gone from being cleaned…somewhere in there we had an anniversary! Our 6th anniversary to be exact. But we had way too many other things to think about than how incredible those 6 years -or the 5 before that have been.

On our wedding day 6 years ago

I guess we are people who don’t just stand still. Even on our wedding day we were hauling things around and fixing stuff. I was almost late to my own wedding! So it’s only fitting. Last year we were painting a rental house, and this year we were back there again preparing it for new tenants. Lately it’s been a little overwhelming but we keep reminding ourselves that whatever drama we are experiencing is because we wanted whatever it is that is causing it. Remember that! We bring all that we have -better or worse- into our lives. If it gets too much we can always let it go, but until then…we’ll enjoy the chaos.

Things are already looking up. We think we’ve found new tenants for one of the properties and the other one is just about ready to be posted for rent. It’s also important to put our stress into perspective. Last year I was just about to lose my dad. So losing a few weeks rent, working hard, long hours and looking for new tenants is nothing by comparison. Life is about learning lessons and sharing lots of love. I think we’re getting our fair share of both

For my birthday I took the day off of work and so did Britton. We wanted to take a little mini-vacation in our own state. So we went out to Farmer’s Inn in LaSalle at lunch with some of my family, then Britton and I headed over to Boulder to take a tour of Celestial Seasonings.

3 Generations-Me, My Mom, and her Mom-Grandma

Celestial Seasonings

The tour was nice and completely free! We were shown a short video and then we toured the facilities. We went into the tea room and learned how tea (like coffee) can be decaffeinated and then we went into the mint room which was overwhelming in its mentholated way. Just going in there and you could clear out your eyes, nose and sinuses! We saw how the tea was made into the little sachets and then boxed and wrapped in the cellophane. We even learned a little about the “international” sized teas which come 10 in a box instead of 20 as they are in the U.S. Unfortunately I couldn’t take pictures on the actual tour, but got a few before and after.

We got to sample all sorts of their teas both hot and cold. I even tried Kombucha tea which was sort of strange. It’s a fermented tea that tastes kind of vinegar-y and has bubbles from the natural carbonation that occurs. Interesting stuff.

Outside of Celestial Seasonings in Boulder

After our tour and various samples, we went to a lake just near/behind IBM and walked around it. It was definitely like a dog park/lake. Everyone had big labs and they were throwing frisbees and balls into the lake for the dogs to fetch. It was fun to hike about and watch the silly wet dogs.

At the lake

Dog fetching from the water

Then we decided to cruise over to Pearl Street in Boulder. We like visiting Boulder as there is always something happening and it’s so very beautiful there. We stopped into Foolish Craig’s which is a cute hole in the wall diner with friendly staff and a fun “Cheers” atmosphere.

We actually met Craig of Foolish Craig’s on our way to Puerto Rico this last time. He was our seat mate to Newark and on his way to a golfing vacation in Scotland! We told him that the next time we were in Boulder we’d stop into his place. Foolish Craig’s has even been featured on the Food Network! We just missed Craig by about 15 minutes, but we plan on stopping in again the next time we’re in town.

Finally we headed on home and Britton bought me an ice cream cake. He’s been teasing me about my “lemonade stand” at the garage sale. So this is what he put on the cake:

At least I’m young at heart!

This Father’s Day has been hard. There is definitely a void in my heart living without my dad. I sometimes still feel him -in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my reasoning things out (what would Dad do or say in this situation). But in my physical realm, there is a hole. It is hard to describe if you’ve never lost someone who is this close to you. Now I understand sympathy cards a little better, I understand sad movies, I understand the fruitless nature of trying to describe utter loss.

Dad, Mom and Me

I have been working through my grief over these months since he died and have tried to channel it into positive energy. If death does anything, it helps you look more objectively at your own life. It helps you realize at some point we will all be there facing our own death….tomorrow or 70 years down the line. In the end, you will have to ask yourself if you felt that you had accomplished what you were set here to do, whether you did what you wanted to do, and how many people (animals, things) you helped on their paths. This understanding is one of the gifts of my father’s death.

I had a really hard time accepting that my dad was truly terminally ill. I couldn’t believe it. It was all I had left -hope- to believe that he would get better and live another 20 years. And so I think it was harder for me to go through all the stages of grief because it felt so raw, so unbelieveable.

Me, my mom, my brother and dad

I think it was ultimately a good thing for me that I saw him take his last breath. He gave this unforgettable moment to me. I was there to witness his transition from life, from struggling, straining to breathe, trying to fill his lungs, his body with life for a few more seconds and then finally letting go to complete calm, complete peace. It was the most incredible and painful thing I’ve ever been through. I was in shock, I was also awed. I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else going through it. I screamed, I cried until I felt like I would die myself. And I was left with what still looked like my dad -a shell of him-, but  it was not, anymore. And I realized why death scares people. It is so natural and such a part of life (I’ve heard once that death is like our shadow, always with us), but yet it is so hidden and confusing because we never confront or face it.

So yes, I think it was good for me to actually witness it -to make it more real. If I hadn’t seen it, I would have been in my mind trying to reconstruct it, trying to piece it together, making it something that I am sure it was not. But I was there! I walked him to the departure gate of the Soul Port (hospital) and said ‘I love you’ and wished him well on his next journey. I saw it in all its horrible glory. I couldn’t deny it. Not when I was slapped with it.

Still it was confusing. Still I wanted to deny it. Still I wanted to turn back time and do more with him, take more videos, take more pictures, encapsulate him forever. But that’s the thing. We can’t hold on to life -to anything- forever. We sure try; we hoard, we save, we collect, we photograph, we memorialize, we try everything in our power to hold on with “dear life” to our dear life. But in the end, there is an end. And that, is hard. There will be Father’s Days without fathers. And eventually there will days without me. And that is the way this game is played. Sometimes we forget this will all our illusions, but death gives us that gift of remembering to live. This is another gift my father gave me.

I miss my dad the most when I think about him not being here physically. When I think about never again going over to visit him and my mom and having him hug me or say “Hey, it’s Casco and the B-Man!” When I think about never hearing his laugh or snorts or little idiosyncracies. When I think about him never again cooking breakfast or flipping steaks on the grill. When I think that he will never be in his body once more.

And whether it’s a delusion or whatever, I feel better thinking that he is still around me in some form. Still watching out for me. And on the morning of Father’s Day while I was still groggy with sleep, I could have sworn I felt his mustache whiskers and lips on my cheek.  And so I have to say thank you, Dad, for all your gifts on Father’s Day without my father.